I sit, a spectator, able to see two sides of the same coin, which is my life. One the one side life goes on, same old, same old. On the other side life goes on too, but it's scenery and most of it's people are different. The way I feel is different too.

While still just as powerless to control most things around me, I'm not angry and I'm not fighting ~~ anything or anyone. I'm not screaming or crying or looking for my baseball bat. I am scared. I am worried. And, if I let it, that same old reaction is still here, inside me, just waiting to jump into the driver's seat and take over, to send me crashing straight back into hell.

The sweet and familiar comfort of my pain and misery, it's arms wide open, waiting to welcome me home again.  Instead, I feel a degree of peace, of calm, that is keeping me from jumping head first back into the mire and chaos, back into the insanity that seems so appealing to me.

Only the grace of God keeps me on the other side of this coin~~the side where there is truly hope, where there's the chance things may turn out differently this time. Today. My life is better today, even when faced with increasing challenges and obstacles. My pain, my disillusionment, my sadness and feelings of rejection are manageable ~~ today. Right here, right  now, I am okay. My life continues to unravel before me, but I am okay. Only the power and grace of my Higher Power make that possible; it's absolutely not anything I've done, other than turning it over and gratefully practicing acceptance as the consequences are revealed. I may not have a car to drive, but I do have a ride to work tomorrow. I may not have a boyfriend, but I'm not begging someone to give me something they don't even  possess, much less desire to give me.

Three of my closest friends are each having their own struggles with similar situations in their lives. Every one of them are dealing with addiction and it's consequences, in some form or another. Spouses, children or themselves ~~ regardless of the source, the struggle appears the same: chaotic and dramatic, filled with pain, misery, worry, and confusion. Bad choices shattering the very core of their existence, they are also searching for a way.

Two other friends are still on that old road, wallowing in the stench of addiction, lost for the moment in the degradation and self destructive behaviors that characterize our disease. They're chasing their demons, finding the illusion of relief in drugs and sex, sick relationships and negligible highs; followed by their shame and regret, sinking ever further towards catastrophe and it's consequences.

Even knowing this, their perceived rejection of me still hurts, still stirs up all the crazy feelings again. While glad I'm where I am now, there's that part of me that seeks attention; craves approval; desires a lover. this part of me wants it at any cost, no matter what; it's willing to tolerate the degradation that inevitably results.

Fortunately, right now ~ today ~ I'm able to clearly see and understand what's going on, with myself, with them, and with us. God has seen to it to let me see this and understand it for what it is ~~ a sick person seeking comfort and relief from other sick people that can only offer me sick relationships that serve to fill my self destructive inclinations. He has also removed this choice from me in the form of their perceived rejection of me. For this I am truly grateful while at the same time puzzled and hurt.

And today,that's okay. I am given a daily reprieve, contingent upon my spiritual condition. Today I am grateful.